Wishes and Dreams.

Hello Dear Friends, I am feeling a bit melancholy and nostalgic today. There are just days when I look at my life and inspect it thoroughly. I look at all the pieces of it and wonder if they are where they are supposed to be, if there are any missing, or if I have too many! With all I have going on in my life, I can honestly say that my life is not what I wanted it to be, nor is it where I expected it to be.

When I was growing up, all I ever wanted to do was to get married, be a Mama and live happily ever after. I wanted tons of kids (six or more) and I wanted to stay at home with them and care for them. Laura Ingalls Wilder was my hero and my idol and I wanted to live just like she did. I played house in the yard or in the play shed, sewing curtains and things for my "house". I borrowed my mothers dishes and silverware to "can" and "put up" food for the winter. I gardened and took care of my baby dolls and I loved every minute of it!  How far from that dream my life is today.

Today I am a single parent, raising my 2 beautiful children on my own. I work a full time job and go to school part time so that I can better my circumstance and that of my children. All the while I can't help but feel that I a putting myself farther in debt for something that really doesn't mean a whole lot to me when held up against my "Dream". I wonder if my children appreciate what I am doing or ever will. I wonder what impact it is having or will have on their lives. Is this the right decision?  It doesn't further me in my walk with the Lord, it doesn't help me to spend time with my children while they are still young. It keeps me from that which I love to do, my quilting, knitting, writing, reading, homemaking, etc. Yet I don't want to face the loan payments yet and I don't want to quit in the middle of what I started.

I also fear that if I follow my dream, it will be too late in coming for any qualitative good in my children's lives. At 15 and 9, they have been molded and shaped by the circumstances of their lives. They are the children of divorce. They suffer daily with the pain of having parents that not only live apart, but live in separate states. They hurt and I can't help them, which makes me hurt. They have resentment and anger and I can't help that either. Their father is a born and bred "city boy". He sees no benefit to living out in the country, so far from civilization and the modern convenience. He plays inappropriate music around them, lets them watch inappropriate movies and has exposed them to a way of life that is in direct contrast to that which I wanted to teach them. He has let the genie out of the bottle in regards to modern society and there is no putting it back.

I long for the quiet simple life. The life of gardening, homemaking, and caring for my loves. My heart aches that I cannot live that life. I trust the Lord and I will follow where he leads, but I dream of someday having that time, that place, that life. A house in the country where I can have my gardens, some animals, peace and quiet and love....I love to go over to Rosie's blog and wander through. Check it out....Rosie's Ramblings She lives my dream and I hope and pray that someday, my life will resemble hers....Until then I pray that the Lord hears my cry and helps me to find the path I am to follow.