Discovery...

Hello Dear Ones,  Welcome back to my little piece of the world. I have been away for awhile, attending to a friend who is suffering through a very deep, dark depression. A suicide attempt was made, though unintentional, and it involved a stay for them in a psychiatric ward for a week, receiving the counseling and help they need to get back on track. I am praying with all my heart and soul that this will be the beginning of the long road back for my friend. My heart hurts at the pain they have endured.

In all of this mess, I have been forced to embark on my own journey of self discovery. I am finding things about myself that I am not sure I like so much and some things that aren't so bad. And yesterday, I had a huge revelation, one I want to share with all of you. All of my life I have had very few friends. The friends that I do have are friends for a lifetime, but there are still very few of them. I have always had a difficult time making friends. Many times I feel that people don't understand me and most often it is because I don't understand other people. I have always labeled myself different, strange, and even weird.

But now, I think I have discovered a portion of why this is. All my life I have been taught to be myself. I have been taught to be genuine, to be real. With me, what you see is what you get. I am simple and uncomplicated. If you see me laughing, you know I am happy. If I cry, I am sad. If I look in your eyes and tell you how sorry I am, you can bet that my heart aches for you. I am who I am and that is all I will ever be.I wear my heart on my sleeve and I love deeply and passionately, whether the world sees it or not. I see beauty where ever I go in the world, I find joy in the simple things. Every day is a bright new possibility that I embrace with open arms, joyously! But most of all I am thankful, for EVERYTHING! Passionately grateful for life, for love, for everything and I show it! I let the people I care about know that I love them, many times a day usually! I hug, I touch, I cry, I say "I love you". Do I  fear? Of course I do, but I approach that the same way I do everything else, openly. And usually I find that there really was nothing to fear after all.

This genuine openness is something that is inside me, that I can't control nor can I hide it.  I have been told it is a rare trait, that I am unique and special because I possess it. I have been told that this trait makes me stand out among others. This trait though is also my downfall in the friend-making department. Because I possess this trait, I look for it in others and gravitate toward it. Because it is a rare characteristic, it is difficult to find, meaning I don't easily make friends.

To me, to be anything less than open and real is not acceptable. I can't stand when a person is fake or misrepresenting themselves, in anyway. If I feel that someone is not being genuine with me, I don't have time for that person. If you don't like me, that is fine, I can deal with that. I understand that not everyone will. But don't act like you are my best friend then either. I can see right through you.You don't REALLY care. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. And before you judge me and decide that you don't like me, why don't you get to know me? Its all there for the world to see, but only those close enough will get the benefit! It really does confuse me how people can be one person one time and another later. I don't understand how people can change their spots in an instant, one minute being a sneering, snobby bitch and the next be sugary sweet. I've seen it happen often and with many people and I still don't understand it.

I am not saying that I have never acted this way. I am sure that I have or at least appear to have to other people. But the difference is that in me, it has been unknowingly and unintentional. And many people probably look at me and think "there is NO WAY she can honestly care that deeply". How wrong they are, I do care THAT deeply.

Being this type of person causes my heart to be bruised and broken quite often. Many times tears are shed because someone has trampled on my feelings. I have been labeled too sensitive, emotional and odd. I'm okay with that. It has taken me a long time to see the truth of who I am and to be okay with it. I have learned that it really is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. And I love with all my heart. I wouldn't change who I am for all the tea in China and I hope to pass this on to my children so they too can live with a joyous, open, loving heart.

God's Blessings on all of you my Dear Sweet Ones,
May He fill your life with His abundant blessings!

What I am Thankful For:
Sunshine in January
Friends who see the real me and appreciate it
Family who loves me unconditionally
Paul for helping me to understand and loving me in a way no other ever has

Who I am Praying For:
My Friend who Suffers from Depression
My children that God may guide their lives
Our Government, that they make wise decisions for our country
Our Service Members around the globe