Feeling Invisible...

Have you ever had the feeling that you are invisible? That you can't be seen, can't be heard and therefore do not exist or if  you do exist,  you just don't matter?  I am in that dark dreary place right now and I can't seem to shake it off...

I feel invisible with co-workers and friends....I hear people talking about the weekend, laughing, sharing and whispering behind their hands (or over their cubicle wall) completely leaving me out. Never am I asked how my weekend was, what my kids are up to or even how I am feeling. I am not included in conversations or plans. I am not sure how to approach this without sounding like a whiny elementary school child. "So-and-so doesn't want to play with me!!" I wasn't good at dealing with this sort of thing then and I not good at it now...So I just pretend that I don't care...

I feel invisible at home...as a single parent, everything falls to me so of course I am not invisible when someone wants or needs something, but other than those times, you wouldn't know I was there...I ask for help with the chores and the request goes in one ear and right out the other...Bedtime? HA what a joke....All I am good for is food and rides and money...No big deal Mom will pay for that, no big deal, Mom can give me a ride and all my friends too, No big deal, Mom can do the chores. No big deal......

My extended family feels as though it is dissipating, evaporating in front of my eyes. Before my mom died, we were closeknit, getting together nearly every weekend or every other for something or other. Laughing, talking, sharing...and now that she is gone it is like no one has the time nor the interest to spend time with me.  I miss it (and her) more than anything. Now I get phone calls when someone needs something. No "Just wanted to chat" calls or "I wanted to check to make sure you are OK" calls. I feel as though I have been shoved roughly out of the ever-shrinking family circle.

Friends are busy with new relationships, old problems and their own lives. Even my relationship with my Honey isn't immune as he fights through his demons. I want to scream and shout that I am still here, to make someone, ANYONE hear me! To not feel so awful and alone. To believe that I matter to one person, to feel needed and wanted! And the part of me that isn't shouting wants to find a cabin in the woods and become a hermit. Turn about is fair play...you want nothing to do with me, I want nothing to do with you either.

There is only one problem with my plan....I am so damn lonely!