Well Dear Friends, today I am having a tremendous tug of war in my heart...As many of you know, I have been working toward finishing my schooling. In what, I haven't exactly decided, I have been praying on it, waiting on the Lord's guidance. It just doesn't seem to be forth coming. In fact, I feel that He is leading me in another direction altogether.
I have been going to school for over 4 years now and have accomplished much in this time, including making the Dean's List several semesters in a row, graduating with my Associate's Degree and proving to myself (and several friends and family) that I CAN do it. My children and I have sacrificed much in the last four years for me to accomplish these goals and I am so appreciative of that. However, lately, it feels like things have started to change, that my life is being moved in another direction. I no longer have the drive and determination to finish my classes. I do not look forward to the start of a new class with the anticipation I once did. I dread having to write papers and read text books when I used to relish the challenge.
Now my days and nights are filled with thoughts of the math practice that my daughter and I do together when I get home. I dream of the late night graham cracker-fests I have been having with my 15 year old son while we sit and talk about everything, just the two of us. I look forward to cutting coupons, planning menus, deepening my pantry, flower gardens, canning, quilting, sewing..My heart is turning to homemaking instead of my schooling.
Now, this wouldn't be a bad thing, except for the school loans. I really am not in a place to begin paying them off and am afraid of what will happen if I don't continue in school. I am accumulating many student loans and in a few years will be looking at a drop in my child support. I currently have a vehicle payment and another loan that I am paying off and was hoping that both would be over before I had to start repayment on the student loans.
I know that if God is leading me in a direction other than school, then he will take care of the financial part as well. It is just very difficult to step out in faith, knowing that he has something so awesome already in control. In church yesterday, Pastor stated that "God has ordained our steps". Meaning, he already knows where we are to go and has gone ahead to prepare the way. Pastor also said that it is easier to follow the steps of someone (God) who has gone ahead to blaze a trail than it is to blaze our own trail. All this is true, but the fear makes it so easy to hold back, to continue as I have always gone, to just throw my hands up and say I can't...
And so the tug of war continues....
I have been going to school for over 4 years now and have accomplished much in this time, including making the Dean's List several semesters in a row, graduating with my Associate's Degree and proving to myself (and several friends and family) that I CAN do it. My children and I have sacrificed much in the last four years for me to accomplish these goals and I am so appreciative of that. However, lately, it feels like things have started to change, that my life is being moved in another direction. I no longer have the drive and determination to finish my classes. I do not look forward to the start of a new class with the anticipation I once did. I dread having to write papers and read text books when I used to relish the challenge.
Now my days and nights are filled with thoughts of the math practice that my daughter and I do together when I get home. I dream of the late night graham cracker-fests I have been having with my 15 year old son while we sit and talk about everything, just the two of us. I look forward to cutting coupons, planning menus, deepening my pantry, flower gardens, canning, quilting, sewing..My heart is turning to homemaking instead of my schooling.
Now, this wouldn't be a bad thing, except for the school loans. I really am not in a place to begin paying them off and am afraid of what will happen if I don't continue in school. I am accumulating many student loans and in a few years will be looking at a drop in my child support. I currently have a vehicle payment and another loan that I am paying off and was hoping that both would be over before I had to start repayment on the student loans.
I know that if God is leading me in a direction other than school, then he will take care of the financial part as well. It is just very difficult to step out in faith, knowing that he has something so awesome already in control. In church yesterday, Pastor stated that "God has ordained our steps". Meaning, he already knows where we are to go and has gone ahead to prepare the way. Pastor also said that it is easier to follow the steps of someone (God) who has gone ahead to blaze a trail than it is to blaze our own trail. All this is true, but the fear makes it so easy to hold back, to continue as I have always gone, to just throw my hands up and say I can't...
And so the tug of war continues....
Know that you are stronger than you think, that God is good and always will be, and that your children love you (as do countless others..including me.). School is a monumental task...one that you should be proud to have attempted and accomplished. Whatever you decide...will be whatever is right in your heart. Keep the faith! <3.
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