Hope

 

 

 

 

 

 

Praise the Lord, today we had sunshine. I can’t explain the exquisite feeling of the warmth falling across my face as I raise my eyes to the Lord in thanks! It brings me hope that all will right itself in the world. What a small wondrous gift!

Things have been a bit off at our house for a while. I’m not sure if it is an attack of that age old serpent or if it is God trying to redirect me onto a different life path. In either case, my world seems to have turned upside down. Where things were once hopeful and possible, they are now full of fear, doubt and questions. I turn to God and ask, but am so unsure of His answer. I have been trying so hard to listen for His message, His calming embrace, His long ago promise. In the middle of the night, my heart pounding with fear, my veins pulsing strong, throbbing paralyzed, I hold my breath and listen

 

hard for His voice. Sometimes the whispers are just out of earshot, thrummed out by the whine of the ceiling fan or the rustle of linens as Honey turns over. Sometimes I am so afraid I won’t hear Him; that I will never find the path He so desperately wants me to follow. What if I have already missed it?

My life feels a mess, broken, dead. The strong beautiful relationship with Honey is being questioned. My children are forgetting lessons taught long ago. My finances are a mess when they weren’t just a few short months ago. The home that I love, my parent’s home, is in danger of being taken due to the ruins of my life. My weight grows along with my fear and anxiety. I want to sleep and do little else. But every day, I force myself from my warm cozy cocoon, place one foot in front of the other and face the day yet again! I go on because I must. I have babies who need me and some days that is all that pushes me forward.

I try to remember the gifts bestowed on me and the hope that comes with them. I count little things like sunshine, a hug from Princess Pea, a smile from Cookie Monster, squirrels chasing in the yard. I concentrate on them, writing each in my journal faithfully, holding them close like a lifeline, like they are all that tie me here on earth. If not for them, my throbbing fearful heart would fly me away to who knows where. I watch for the gifts, the small nudges that He is right there, waiting for me, watching me, holding me when I need it. It is all I can do!

And now spring has arrived, well technically at least, the date on the calendar showing it has, and a weak sunshine has been pouring through the window. And with this small gift of sunshine, the seed of hope that has been dormant for so long is starting to crack, just a bit. I feel the first unfurling of the vines, waiting to wrap around my heart and lift me up. I feel the warmth of the sunshine, even though the rest of the earth is yet cold. I feel it inside, the beginnings, but it is there. It grows with every step I take in my Christ Journey and with every word I read in His book

So I have made a determination for myself. I WILL keep moving forward, and I will do so, leaning on my Lord every step of the way. I will thank God for the gifts he continually sends my way. I will ask for His help to get my finances in order and pray that buying this house is in His plan for my life. Where ever I live, I WILL fill it with love, with laughter, with hope and mercy and grace.  I will lean on God all the while thanking Him for his gifts and goodness.