Ah Ha Moment!!!

I am a Christian. I have been for many years. I got “saved” in high school because one of my best friends was and it sounded like the right thing to do. Honestly I didn’t even know what it meant at the time. I knew that I believed in God. I knew that the Bible was the Word of God and that it was Truth. I knew that Jesus died for my sins. That’s about it. Everything else I knew, or thought I knew was hearsay or stories from other people. I never opened my Bible, I prayed only when I needed something, and my church attendance was dismal. It really didn’t change a thing in my life. 

Over the years, I met people who explained the Gospel, people who told me how to REALLY become saved. I met people who sat with me and discussed the meaning behind accepting Christ and who encouraged me. So again, periodically, I would confess my sins, ask Jesus to be my Lord and Savior and then go right back to my sinful life, my limited views, and my wayward thoughts. I didn’t consider myself a “BAD” sinner. I didn’t steal and. I didn’t lie (much), I have never killed anyone or beat them up. But I did sin and even worse, I did not repent.

Somehow, someway knowledge about what it meant to be a Christian started to seep into me. Whether it was from the people God placed in my life (for that is what I now know it was), to signs He gave when I prayed, to overheard conversations, I was growing in faith. And the more I grew in faith the more my husband (at the time) grew away from me. He started calling me “Bible Thumper” and making fun of my beliefs. Over time, the decision was made to divorce, but as soon as I was away from him, I also let go of my faith. It was like once again, I only “used” God in a time of crisis.

 For a long time I felt like a fraud. I believed and yet I didn’t. I guess it is because I didn’t know how. I prayed, but for the wrong things. I questioned whether I would honestly go to Heaven when I died. Even though I had asked Christ to be my Lord and Savior, I  wasn’t sure and I felt that if I wasn’t sure, then I surely wasn’t going to Heaven. I knew the truth but felt disconnected. I felt unloveable, broken, weird, different than everyone else. I felt like Jesus came for everyone BUT me. He couldn’t possibly want me. I was ugly inside, I was a mess, I had done rotten things. No one was as horrible as I was. I didn't get it.

Then I met Honey (nearly 8 years ago now) and one of the first questions I asked him was if he is a Christian. I was relieved to hear that he is, even if he had moved away from his faith. Just knowing that he had knowledge in this area helped, though I didn’t know why. For some reason it was important to me that he be a Christian. At this point I was a year divorced and not living a very Christian lifestyle, but sometime during the early part of our relationship, I could feel Christ calling me back, so every once in a while, I would read a bit in the Bible or listen to Christian CDs,. I also started reading blogs posted by Christian women, including the Proverbs 31 girls. Then when my son was ready to be confirmed, I started to attend church more. Thankfully God led me to a Bible teaching church that teaches salvation and how to attain it. But once again, after Cookie Monster was confirmed, my church attendance and my faith once again dropped off.

Then, a few years ago, I started reading Christian authors (not the ones who write the Amish stories either, though they are good as well). Serious Christian authors who right about everyday women, like me and you, and how they deal with life in this world that continues to spiral downhill. They wrote about being having bad days and bad hair and screaming kids and messy houses. I read Ann VosKamp, Lysa Terkeurst, Mary Beth Whalen and drank in their words via blogs and books.

Not long after, a Christian radio station was started in a nearby town with towers in my little home town. It had been 8 years since I listened to Christian radio and had forgotten how much I loved it. It's all I listen to now and I am so excited about it! Every word I hear is positive, encouraging and upbeat, instead of the negative, degrading, sad, or depressing songs on conventional radio. I started to really listen to the words of the speakers – Chuck Smith, Skip Heitzig, Allastair Begg, Ravi Zacharias, and others! I found Chuck Smith going through the Bible verse by verse every day on my way to work. What a treat! There was so many stories that I had never heard. And then Skip Heitzig preaching the Gospel of John on my way home! I wanted to stop my car and listen, to take notes, to drink in what they were saying. I had been praying that God would give me a thirst for His word and He did! That and so much more. I have been reading my Bible every night at bedtime, listing out my gifts from God, and praying more as well. I even have the Bible app on my cell phone and have plans that I study every night and there are different versions of the Bible so I can cross check and read a different version if something doesn't make sense.

Then yesterday I received a daily blog post from one of my very favorite authors and it spoke directly to my heart. This author is someone I would consider a “put-together” woman. She’s got it all going on, everything I want. Beautiful, thin, stay at home mom, lots of kids, lives on a farm, homeschools, beautiful home, great photographer, powerful writer. I wanted so much to be just like her. I tried, I really did. Then she posted yesterday and I went WOW! Her post was on her “messy life”. She is broken, she is messy. She has fierce internal monsters to slay. She is insecure. She is afraid. She is emotional. She is sweet. She is kind. She has felt unloveable. She is loving. She loses her temper. Her house is dirty and messy. There are crumbs on the counter, dirty dishes in the sink, laundry piled high. Her pictures prove it and they made it real for me. She is not perfect, and yet, she is secure in the knowledge that JESUS DIED FOR HER AND SHE IS ON HER KNEES THANKFUL.

And then it hit me, hard, like a ton of bricks, knocking the very wind out of my gut and bringing tears to my eyes. She is ME! If she is not perfect and Jesus came for her, then he came for me as well, in all my messy, broken, unloveable, imperfection.  What a revelation! After all this time (nearly 30 years) I feel it! I am secure in the fact that I am a "God Girl" like Jamie Grace sings. I may not feel that way tomorrow, next week or next year but for now it is enough for me and I am so incredibly humbly thankful for that!