Wishes and Dreams.

Hello Dear Friends, I am feeling a bit melancholy and nostalgic today. There are just days when I look at my life and inspect it thoroughly. I look at all the pieces of it and wonder if they are where they are supposed to be, if there are any missing, or if I have too many! With all I have going on in my life, I can honestly say that my life is not what I wanted it to be, nor is it where I expected it to be.

When I was growing up, all I ever wanted to do was to get married, be a Mama and live happily ever after. I wanted tons of kids (six or more) and I wanted to stay at home with them and care for them. Laura Ingalls Wilder was my hero and my idol and I wanted to live just like she did. I played house in the yard or in the play shed, sewing curtains and things for my "house". I borrowed my mothers dishes and silverware to "can" and "put up" food for the winter. I gardened and took care of my baby dolls and I loved every minute of it!  How far from that dream my life is today.

Today I am a single parent, raising my 2 beautiful children on my own. I work a full time job and go to school part time so that I can better my circumstance and that of my children. All the while I can't help but feel that I a putting myself farther in debt for something that really doesn't mean a whole lot to me when held up against my "Dream". I wonder if my children appreciate what I am doing or ever will. I wonder what impact it is having or will have on their lives. Is this the right decision?  It doesn't further me in my walk with the Lord, it doesn't help me to spend time with my children while they are still young. It keeps me from that which I love to do, my quilting, knitting, writing, reading, homemaking, etc. Yet I don't want to face the loan payments yet and I don't want to quit in the middle of what I started.

I also fear that if I follow my dream, it will be too late in coming for any qualitative good in my children's lives. At 15 and 9, they have been molded and shaped by the circumstances of their lives. They are the children of divorce. They suffer daily with the pain of having parents that not only live apart, but live in separate states. They hurt and I can't help them, which makes me hurt. They have resentment and anger and I can't help that either. Their father is a born and bred "city boy". He sees no benefit to living out in the country, so far from civilization and the modern convenience. He plays inappropriate music around them, lets them watch inappropriate movies and has exposed them to a way of life that is in direct contrast to that which I wanted to teach them. He has let the genie out of the bottle in regards to modern society and there is no putting it back.

I long for the quiet simple life. The life of gardening, homemaking, and caring for my loves. My heart aches that I cannot live that life. I trust the Lord and I will follow where he leads, but I dream of someday having that time, that place, that life. A house in the country where I can have my gardens, some animals, peace and quiet and love....I love to go over to Rosie's blog and wander through. Check it out....Rosie's Ramblings She lives my dream and I hope and pray that someday, my life will resemble hers....Until then I pray that the Lord hears my cry and helps me to find the path I am to follow.

Wishes, Dreams and a Good Bye....

Hi There....Welcome back! I'm sorry it has been such a long time since I have been here! I can't believe how crazy my life is. I have been in school for the past three years trying to finish my Bachelor's Degree and this semester I have one of the toughest classes I've ever had, Statistics. Instead of enjoying the fall days, baking apple crisp or jumping in leaf piles with my kids, I have to be inside nearly every moment, studying and doing homework. Fall is my favorite time of year and this year I feel like I am completely missing it!

I am not complaining though, once I have this class done, I will graduate with my Associate's Degree. And if I can keep my grade up in this class, I will graduate with honors! How exciting! I will weather this storm to reap the benefits later! :) One step closer to my dream....

As usual in the fall, my thoughts turn to those of living simply and harvesting the fruits of labor to use for the winter. I think of canned apple pie filling that will turn into warm, delicious apple pies in January. I think of the warm quilts that I am working on that will keep us warm through the cold Wisconsin, winter nights. I think of evenings of cocoa and laughter after a long day of sledding and snowball fights! I think of the days spent making cookies and treats to share with family and friends! I love these thoughts and treasure them dearly, waiting for the day that I can live the life that I have been dreaming of for so long.

You see, my dream, the one that I hold dearest, closest to my heart is to have a hobby farm, here, near my family. I want to look out my window and see the rolling hills with the leaves changing colors. I want to see pastures full of cows, horses, even sheep. I want to have a quilt studio for my sewing and a photography studio for my other hobby. And I want to have cabins for recovering veterans, home from war. A big farm house, with a large porch surrounding it with swings and rocking chairs where you can sit and look out on forever. Yummy smells coming from the kitchen, floating over you as you wander the paths of the garden. I am going to school for psychology to be able to help the vets, but I believe that fresh air, sunshine and a place to relax is a wonderful place to begin the recovery. And we all know that animals can be hugely instrumental in recovery as well.  This is my dream and I try hard every single day to take one, two or more steps toward achieving this goal.

One more note to today's post...a good bye.....My Uncle Harold passed away yesterday morning. He was 90 years old and finally gave in to the cancer that tormented him. He is now dancing with the Lord, with his arms around his loving wife. His parents and siblings and many other beloved family members met him at the gate.....Rest in Peace Uncle Harold, you will be missed.....

What I am  Thankful for Today....
My health
My beloved children
My wonderful loving boyfriend
Having a dream
A beautiful fall day
Sunshine
God's love

Today's Prayers....
My  Uncle and my family as we lay him to rest
My children
Safe travels this weekend
Paul's continued healing
The McKensey family and all that they do
My dad as he faces his heart surgery
For a heart of servitude and forgiveness